My good friend, Hannah, recently sent me a video on Instagram of artist Martha Beck sharing a story about her art professor from Harvard who threw away 90 pounds of drawings. She emphasizes, “Not 90 drawings, 90 pounds of drawings.”She goes on to share the words that have stuck with me for weeks:

“the issue isn’t what you make; it’s making it. It’s not about making something with your genius; that’s the culture’s thing— ‘You gotta make a thing’…No, actually you don’t. You have to have yourself to show for it, the self that has now worked through that math problem…And the doing of it is so difficult that it changes you as a human being. It makes you fundamentally part of the creation of that which is creating.”

Talk about an ah-ha moment! As I heard the words from Beck’s mouth, I felt her understanding of how art finds its way into my bones. As I work through the first draft of my book, Humbly Yours, the book has truly changed me. The “math problem” I am seeking to work through is reflecting on my experiences in my twenties—feeling through the discomfort, fear, and insecurity that comes with it. The math problem is me: How do I want to move through the obstacles of my twenties, and what advice would I give to others going through a similar experience? The math problem is how we come to hear our own inner-knowing and then act on it. The math problem is how do I become more like myself and move freely in the world as myself? How do I eliminate my people-pleasing behaviors and honor what I truly feel inside? How do I make sense of this time of life where every decision feels like it will determine my fate?

With every chapter that I’ve written, the book confronts me with myself. It begs me to truly look inside myself and ask: What have you really come to know and understand about a particular situation? What have I truly come to know about myself? What am I going to carry forward with me into the next chapter of life, and what will I leave behind?

When I first began writing the book, I hated everything I wrote. I was self-critical, thought I had nothing to offer, and worse, who would even read this thing if I wrote it? I kept getting the message to write for myself through many writer friends and coaches. The book’s writing had to be for myself before it could ever potentially be for someone else. So that’s what I did – I just wrote while trying to push what would happen with it down the line farther from my mind. I worked on the math problems of my life. I continued to reflect on all the challenges I was facing, whether from the past or present day.

After hearing Beck speak, I’ve come full circle in the knowing that my book truly does not matter if it becomes published or wrapped in pretty cover art. It doesn’t matter if it has legs to stand out in the big ol’ world. That iteration of the book is more for indulging myself and honoring the words I have written in the way I value. The part that always mattered most is that I wrote it at all. In writing, I’ve changed myself; I’ve transformed.

And how have I transformed? The first thing I knew was that I could do hard things. Writing a book can be challenging. It takes a high level of attention and focus to make any sense. It also requires needing to prioritize yourself. I have never, ever, in my life put so much attention into the creation of something and said no to so many plans and opportunities. In the past, I have always identified myself as someone who starts creative projects and doesn’t finish them. And it’s not that this is not still true, but writing a book has proven to me that the right projects, the ones I value deep in my soul, will get done. I can accomplish hard tasks. It’s not a reflection of my stamina, attention span, or willpower. It’s a reflection of what I truly value.

As for needing to prioritize my writing, I simulataneously was prioritizing myself. Every “no” to the world was a “yes” to myself—something a certified People Pleaser doesn’t do enough of.

Beyond that, I have healed. This is a common theme among memoirists  I have worked with. In writing the book, you heal yourself. This is what I’ve also come to experience. I have worked through my codependent behaviors, fears, self-esteem, and self-confidence. It doesn’t mean I am now a perfect human being, but it does mean I am healthier one. It means I am healthier for myself, the people I love, and the ones I serve.  That right there, is priceless.

As creatives, we need somewhere for our energy to go. Creative energy can wreak havoc on our lives if not used; at least, this has been my experience. Since I put my attention into writing a book and creating art, so much of my problems seemed to disappear. I didn’t look for other people to fill holes within me. I didn’t seek attention in the wrong places; I didn’t let my head get filled with harmful ideation. Honestly, I feel my stress levels have gone down because I now have more compassion and self-love toward myself, making it much easier to extend to other people. My advice: find outlets for your creative energy to flow, it will bless you tenfold.

Lastly, what has been a genuinely cool outcome of writing a book is the empathy and understanding I now have towards the people I work with daily—authors. When someone is about to release their book baby into the world, I understand their fears and release-day jitters. I know the self-criticism and the second-guessing. I understand how scary it is to trust someone else with what we hold near and dear to our hearts. As a consultant, it is one thing to be trained on how to show compassion and be the right person someone needs at the time, but it’s another thing to be able to empathize and know it in your bones how they feel, making another opportunity for connection.

This journey of growth has been the most beautiful aspect of writing a book. I know someday these words that I have toiled over will find their way to the public eye and have their day in the sun, but it’s what Beck says that grounds me, that brings me back to my own humble knowing: “You have to have yourself to show for it, the self that has now worked through that math problem.”

May you all work on the math problems of your life. May you have yourself to show for it.

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